30 Seconds of Boring

It’s a shame, but I won’t be eating Klondike bars again any time soon. Especially not the mint chocolate chip ones, which look like they’d be my favorite. It’s not the end of the world. I don’t eat a lot of sweets anyway, so I’m not missing anything. I like ice cream, but I very rarely have a desperate need for it. I like it when it comes from an ice cream shop, but I don’t go crazy to have it in my home. So this isn’t some kind of pointless boycott like those fucking homophobes who now hate Oreos.

(The Oreo cookie is by far the gayest of the cookies. It is two chocolate wafers, which are exactly the same, with cream in the middle. If that isn’t the heaviest handed metaphor for gay love IN THE WORLD then I have no idea what is.)

For the last three hours, every ten minutes, this stupid commercial has played on my TV. There are several reasons why this annoys me, and I know it shouldn’t. Commercials are just pointless short films that 98% of the time are for products that don’t need the help to become part of the national consciousness. But it does, and here’s why.

Firstly, it is incredibly sexist. (Oh, fuck! He’s talking about feminism! Can he do that? Will Jesus allow it? But he’s a man? Can a man hate men? Is he gay?) Listen, haven’t we gotten past the idea that we marry someone who we can’t bother to listen to for five seconds? Was it an arranged marriage? (Because that would explain how an oaf that looks like Artie Lang with testicular cancer got a reasonably attractive redhead to sit next to him on a couch for five minutes without the use of barbiturates.) If casual conversation with your spouse is so detrimental to your mental welfare that you have to look like you’re trying to hold in a runny shit (watch the video again), then do the world a favor. Go pay someone to touch your private parts and skip the Klondike bar.

Second, it’s not funny. The joke of the husband who is so bored by his wife that he can’t be bothered to talk is one of the oldest clichés in the history of comedy. You’re better than that Klondike bars. That’s probably not a completely separate second point, based on the heat of the first point, but still. Not funny. At all. It’s boring, insipid, uninteresting. If you are going to delay me from seeing the third act of the Daily Show, at least try to hold my attention. Your product has been around since 1922, which means that my great-grandfather probably ate your product. I’m well aware of your existence. Now try to come up with some new joke that were written sometime after your debut.

But honestly, thirdly, and which ties together the lack of funny and the sexism, is that this commercial’s rhetoric is just plain bad advice for anyone who wants to maintain a long-term relationship. Communication is the cornerstone to any relationship. If you are with someone who you cannot talk rationally to for any extended period of time, your relationship is doomed. If you don’t have the empathy to listen to the other person for longer than five seconds, you are better off living alone and paying hookers to sit on your chest while hitting your junk with a leather strap.

Now that’s what I’d do for a Klondike bar.


About wombatdeamor
I am a writer who has yet to be published. I am using this blog to shame myself into writing more regularly, in the hopes that I will be able to improve the "About Yourself" box to something less awkward. I also like to cook and use profanity.

2 Responses to 30 Seconds of Boring

  1. Weenie McBeans says:

    Here, Here! Another misogynistic brethren entering the fold. Quite well put, though you’re a little too serious over some ill advised commercial. Why deny yourself the chocolatey-minty goodness of a calorie packed frozen treat simply because of a bad commercial? Why not take humor in the stereotype, “By God Jack! That man is simply overcome with the need to shit brought on by the sound of his wife’s voice”. “Perhaps if we watch a little longer the ginger woman will develop a soul?” “Why look! When preventing the Shits after an allotted amount of time you’re rewarded with a sweet marketed treat and dancing degraded half naked women!” “Is the wife now staring at that plump shaking degraded paid for booty, with a look of bewilderment in the fact that it’s magically appeared in her living room after all the prayers for another person to talk to besides an asshole of a husband who acts like potato? I think so!”

    The moral to my poking the stick of doom at you so we can open up this can of worms and pick each others brains; Why even pay attention to idiotic commercials? Buy a recorder for your telly and skip over those damn dirty advertisements while getting back to the meat of your program.

    Please don’t take offense to this, I’m partaking in the ancient ritual of blowing smoke up your ass. Here’s an animation short to lighten the mood, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAQ56_dfOfY&feature=related

    • wombatdeamor says:

      That is definitely a better way of looking at it. I don’t know why, but I have always had a sick fascination with commercials. Maybe it stems from my mother eating too many McDonald’s double cheeseburgers while I was sloshing around in amniotic fluid. I normally attempt to skip as many as I can, but I happened to be watching live television last night and that commercial played every ten minutes. And with YouTube I can now easily make fun of things publicly that I once could only do on my head.

      Feel free to blow infinite smoke up my ass. I’ll respond and smile. 🙂

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