A Satirical Marriage Orientation

I wrote this for a creative writing class in the style of Daniel Orozco’s short story “Orientation.” His is about a corporate orientation, and it slips in some of the things you don’t usually get on your first day beautifully. It is available to read online, just Google “Orientation short story.” It’s way better than this.

Also: for the record, THIS IS SATIRE. I want to stress this. Satire. And I would absolutely love to discuss any of the aspects of the story, as long as everyone remembers that I am making fun of things.

Marriage Orientation

This is your kitchen. It is here that you will make dinner every night. You agreed to this when you said “I do.” I know it wasn’t specifically in the vows, but trust me, it was implied.

The refrigerator and freezer do not have anything in it now. It will be your responsibility to stock and replenish the contents of this device. Once a month, you will need to defrost the freezer. Don’t let any meat go bad. I’ll be sitting on the couch after work if you need any help, but I wouldn’t call unless it is an extreme emergency. I need my rest after a long day at work.

Please clean up the kitchen after you are done cooking. I promise, I will save some of dinner for you if you want to do it before you come sit down. Or, if you want to wait, feel free to take care of everything after dinner. Just be sure not to eat too much. One, you don’t want to gain weight. Secondly, it is so much easier to clean when you aren’t wallowing in a full stomach.

The room next to the kitchen is the living room. Someday, this place will be filled with children. They will be so beautiful. The girls will look like you. The boys will be strong like me. Please keep them away from me. I need my rest after a long day at work.

We’ll put the baby’s room right next to ours. That way, in the middle of the night, you won’t have to walk too far. I mean, it’ll have to be you feeding them. Bottle feeding is no way to raise your children. The experts say that breast milk is so much better for the kids. You don’t want people thinking we’re bad parents, do you?

Honey? Did I say something wrong?

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About wombatdeamor
I am a writer who has yet to be published. I am using this blog to shame myself into writing more regularly, in the hopes that I will be able to improve the "About Yourself" box to something less awkward. I also like to cook and use profanity.

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